3.25.2022

// i dragged you straight into muddy ground //




 it is always in the naked, vulnerable moments right before sleep sweeps through my bones. 

Do you think

if we just stopped for a second

i could gather all that is near to me, my emotions and this mess that is in me, 

and lay it out on the floor, piece by piece (like i do when packing for one of my road-trips). Let’s assess, let’s collect, let me stand with one hand on my chin and my eyes filled with memories i can’t unsee.


I want to wear sea-foam colored soft sweaters and never brush my hair. I want to collect my artifacts and my books, walk up the side of these lone foothills, 

sit by myself and marinate in my sadness. 

Remember wen i used to wear those shoes?  Long before they got buried in the chaos of my closet.  Remember when i wore the old lady jeans and the same striped shirt i still have, the same purse i have been using again-

many colors,  lots of textures.

I am often lost to myself.

But here, under the wind of grace, 

like when she taught me to dive into waves //

(but then that's another thing)- the ceaseless, unresting, unrelenting force of waves, 

the ocean, over and over and over again. 


I want to erase it.  I want to gather my shame and bury it under a pile of rocks so high and wide they have to build a bridge just to see around it.  I want to rest in the arms of something I barely know.


I’m feeling dangerous and overlooked, ignored and frustrated. 

I remember my first collection of plants.  So small, they fit on a plate, on a stool, in front of the piano.

I have

An uncontrollable unfathomably deep drop of sadness.  I drown, i hide my face in my coat sleeve, 

I am within myself. I squeeze my eyes shut in pain. 


(two years ago) the winter wheat

is beginning to show it’s color, some growth. 

march is always a strange month for me. aching and groaning against the bonds of stubborn chill and frost. 

once, many months ago, the girls drove in to visit. i wore overalls, the sun was warm, it was windy. i wasn’t bored. 

my car is very quiet. it’s unusual for it to be this calm, not windy, 

(just the breath of a breeze testing the long prairie grasses still burnt with golden death from late fall).

and i wonder if that house can see me like i see it. 

I wonder if it knows I sit here and watch, hidden in these hills,

like i watch you, from hidden in my heart. 


She said I should be proud 

that they don't understand how 

being called that-

hurts my sensitive soul. 

and to be proud of the ways in which I feel my way through the world // almost as if every single blade of grass I see with my eyes also touches my fingertips. 

I, however, 

made a list of things i want to do in this season that will begin this week. I want to feel like the clouds are not pressing down on me.