2015 was the year that i didn't sleep.

11:00 used to be a warning and 12AM one of the rarest sights.
suddenly 1:00 looked early and 3 or 4 very common.
the glowing green clock was just numbers
random to my eyes.

all year-
back of my skull felt heavy, close and distant (all at the same time).
eyes partially dilated from hours and hours in the dark looking at a screen.
waking easily for work and travel after one or two hours of sleep (having never fallen into a deep rest)
but with an ache somewhere behind my lungs
a cough
a hazy train of thought
sore shoulders.

i remember-
how sometimes it got better.
like july in that one hotel (two nights with seven hours)
august when i tried to start new
(but failed)
and then bits and pieces of fall weekends (off and on/sleep and then none).
october was good but then bad, november nice but then drifting...

'how are you'
the simple question they asked in small talk. 
'i'm good, you' 
always the reply (but how do I say...
i don't think i'm okay-wispering to myself 
as I try to focus on shelving books at the library)

it's funny
how something that can be a blissful escape
can turn into something one so insistently avoids.
but darkness can sometimes feel like safety
like protection.

until, that is-
one steps fully into the light.

(lighter days doesn't mean struggle is gone.
true rest isn't found in anything i can do for myself)
- for my only true rest is found in Jesus' loving arms -

(choosing to highlight a big struggle and various small ones by writing this is a very vulnerable but also freeing feeling.  one of the reasons i started this new space was to get away from memories of some old things, but i have no regrets in writing this post.  [my mind feels lighter now that this part of my life is out in the open]
if any of you are struggling with sleeping too much, too little, or just lots of sadness and bad thoughts caused by any number of things, please let me know. i don't always have the right words to say, but i would love to be a friend, offer up a prayer or two, and have you understand that you're not alone.

also a big thanks to each and every person who as commented on my first two posts. i am so excited to be back in the blogging world with such wonderful people.
ya'll make me happy to be alive, and it astounds me that my little projects are appreciated.
thank you beyond words.)



r a i n / r e s t

friday: waking feeling rested, the light around the window shades blue and cool.  
there's a quiet and calm to everything, i sink down and pull the covers up, the patter of rain against glass making me chilly.

the black dog and i venture down the quiet little side streets, and i'm wearing that huge rain jacket. 
(at first i feel a little silly, under the hood that almost covers my eyes, the sleeves rolled in huge bunches.)
but i lift out my arm, my palm, and feel the drops/we splash thru the ditches and wet grass.

the others are still sleeping in the house.
i eat warm food alone in the shadowy kitchen and the cinnamon and oats taste like autumn.  the season seems so close suddenly, with the tastes and the cool air, so i dress in a light sweater of warm colors.

"august doesn't normally mean autumn" but on this morning when the rain falls down and a chill sets in, i almost believe this summer isn't infinite (and that's okay). 
there is a good feeling in my bones.  a motivation but an unhurried-ness at the same time. 
i find myself cross legged on the bed, notebook and pen or guitar/(the things that help me breathe)



i'm done.
i do not think this in exasperation
but in a breath.
because with every ending
with every goodbye
is the wide open door of new
(and how it's needed, this blessed new beginning)

a thought occurs to me at a low spot and slams into my dreams of freedom, bursting them to shards of broken glass. inside my heart, this girl sits in a puddle, wraps her arms around her knees and resists heavily.
but my hands are on the wheel so i take the long way to the house
(it gives me time to think /  time to watch the clouds)

rest easy / breathe deep / rub your eyes and

w a k e   u p


this is a new space for me.
starting over/breathing deep/smiling with my face to the light.
it's good to be back :)))))