2015 was the year that i didn't sleep.
11:00 used to be a warning and 12AM one of the rarest sights.
suddenly 1:00 looked early and 3 or 4 very common.
the glowing green clock was just numbers
random to my eyes.
back of my skull felt heavy, close and distant (all at the same time).
eyes partially dilated from hours and hours in the dark looking at a screen.
waking easily for work and travel after one or two hours of sleep (having never fallen into a deep rest)
but with an ache somewhere behind my lungs
a hazy train of thought
how sometimes it got better.
like july in that one hotel (two nights with seven hours)
august when i tried to start new
and then bits and pieces of fall weekends (off and on/sleep and then none).
october was good but then bad, november nice but then drifting...
'how are you'
the simple question they asked in small talk.
'i'm good, you'
always the reply (but how do I say...
i don't think i'm okay-wispering to myself
as I try to focus on shelving books at the library)
how something that can be a blissful escape
can turn into something one so insistently avoids.
but darkness can sometimes feel like safety
until, that is-
one steps fully into the light.
(lighter days doesn't mean struggle is gone.
true rest isn't found in anything i can do for myself)
- for my only true rest is found in Jesus' loving arms -
(choosing to highlight a big struggle and various small ones by writing this is a very vulnerable but also freeing feeling. one of the reasons i started this new space was to get away from memories of some old things, but i have no regrets in writing this post. [my mind feels lighter now that this part of my life is out in the open]
if any of you are struggling with sleeping too much, too little, or just lots of sadness and bad thoughts caused by any number of things, please let me know. i don't always have the right words to say, but i would love to be a friend, offer up a prayer or two, and have you understand that you're not alone.
also a big thanks to each and every person who as commented on my first two posts. i am so excited to be back in the blogging world with such wonderful people.
ya'll make me happy to be alive, and it astounds me that my little projects are appreciated.
thank you beyond words.)