7.22.2017

on disappearing


I am nothing. I am fading.  faded.
I am the pieces of dust on the dashboard, the list of unopened messages.
I am not the withering plant, but not the blooming one.
I am the guitar picks lost in your room. useful, but replaced and not needed.
I am not worthless, I know that much.
but just nothing.
and I have my own adventures.
and my own ideas and worlds and plans.
but do they exist?

and it is okay to be nothing, I think,
it is better to feel hurt quietly than to cause it for someone else.

silence buzzes in my ears.
tomorrow feels rather empty.

(written right before disappearing.
it is home now
the quiet fog.)

learning to feast on God's word.
to let it fill me.
and flourish.
I made excuses, even recently.  but in reality, in the day to day, I am just never enough.
and that is ok.







7.19.2017

why i dissapeared

it's not like there was nothing to say
or nothing to feel.

how will you know if you never try...
now is the time...

I may have lost my way.

is it just the lot of those like us
to be so severely misunderstood?

we wander around
bumping into one another
mistakenly
before losing courage and running back to our hiding holes.

why did I dissapear?
I'm not entirely sure myself.
sometimes talking feels impossible.
sometimes it's terrible to stop feeling but want to,
and to feel everything without wishing.

seclusion. silence.  simple.

(these words have turned out to be more serious and sad than I intended
for though it exists
the quiet has turned out to be so much more comforting.)



hi, hello.  there have been a lot of things going on, but yet a lot of emptiness.
I decided not to do many things and have been trying to do others.  He is faithful.
choosing silence, quiet reflection and books over social media right now.
space is essiential to breathing at this time.
(i tried to go back last night, and found that there was still no room)
in other news, my computer decided to die, but I now have one back in my hands.
hello blogging souls, hello breathing.
hello summer, halfway gone but still just as rich :)


5.08.2017

THE GOODBYE GIRL

my words are slow
and stick to the roof of my mouth.
all of the thoughts
however
drift and tumble and roll
tossed around by the great prairie wind.

i am leaving.
there is so much to do
(yet isn't there always).
sometimes
i think about it too much.
getting too excited.
standing on the back porch
i set my phone down on the ledge and kick off my black shoes
and audibly tell my mind to shut up.
it's just  a whisper
(and it doesn't really do the trick).

i am coming back.
just give me one month.
and then two.
and summer here will be almost over.
but will i miss it?




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4.13.2017

// SOME THINGS //






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3.21.2017

SPRING GIVES ME SOME WEIRD FEELING IDK.

it's said that things like that only truly happen in books.
that real life doesn't align the same.

but i am still so certain of this one thing
that i could read and see so clearly
the hurt and the hope and the need for understanding.

and i hope you knew that i did
(understand)


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3.09.2017

time has a way of throwing it all in your face

 kinda wish i was
something you thought of
while you drive home,
as you squint at the road into dark country,
rub your eye,
and reach to change the radio station.

i wish you wished i was sitting in the seat beside,
my presence filling
that split second of silence
before the next song breaks in .



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2.08.2017

LIVIN' ON THE ROAD MY FRIENDS


l a s t w e e k


: sounded like :

emmylou harris, merle haggard, willie nelson, the brush of fingertips on a guitar,
the call of gulls over the whoosh of surf,
tires of the road for miles and miles,
many voices at many tables and a radio,
sirens, city, silence, dark hours.
a minor chord, a harmonica, a song for the road.
footsteps on the sidewalk in the fresh air morning.


: felt like :

wet sand filling the arches of my feet and the pull of waves at my ankles,
the wind pushing against my body,
a waxy leaf between fingertips,
a breath of fresh and new,
quiet in the midst of loud loud loud.
a lot of firsts, a lot of new, a lot of lasts.
moving on / moving forward / remembering + forgetting

(HOW RARE AND HOW STRANGE
FROM THE SONG I HEARD IN DAIRY QUEEN AROUND MIDNIGHT IN THAT TOWN
AND WHERE THAT TOWN WAS
AND THE LAST TIME I HEARD THAT SONG
AND THE CURVE OF AN OLD LIVE OAK
and just how big and huge and yet small this weird earth and life can be___)










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