2015 was the year that i didn't sleep.
before
11:00 used to be a warning and 12AM one of the rarest sights.
suddenly 1:00 looked early and 3 or 4 very common.
the glowing green clock was just numbers
random to my eyes.
all year-
back of my skull felt heavy, close and distant (all at the same time).
eyes partially dilated from hours and hours in the dark looking at a screen.
waking easily for work and travel after one or two hours of sleep (having never fallen into a deep rest)
but with an ache somewhere behind my lungs
a cough
a hazy train of thought
sore shoulders.
i remember-
how sometimes it got better.
like july in that one hotel (two nights with seven hours)
august when i tried to start new
(but failed)
and then bits and pieces of fall weekends (off and on/sleep and then none).
october was good but then bad, november nice but then drifting...
'how are you'
the simple question they asked in small talk.
'i'm good, you'
always the reply (but how do I say...
i don't think i'm okay-wispering to myself
as I try to focus on shelving books at the library)
it's funny
how something that can be a blissful escape
can turn into something one so insistently avoids.
but darkness can sometimes feel like safety
like protection.
until, that is-
one steps fully into the light.
(lighter days doesn't mean struggle is gone.
true rest isn't found in anything i can do for myself)
- for my only true rest is found in Jesus' loving arms -
(choosing to highlight a big struggle and various small ones by writing this is a very vulnerable but also freeing feeling. one of the reasons i started this new space was to get away from memories of some old things, but i have no regrets in writing this post. [my mind feels lighter now that this part of my life is out in the open]
if any of you are struggling with sleeping too much, too little, or just lots of sadness and bad thoughts caused by any number of things, please let me know. i don't always have the right words to say, but i would love to be a friend, offer up a prayer or two, and have you understand that you're not alone.
also a big thanks to each and every person who as commented on my first two posts. i am so excited to be back in the blogging world with such wonderful people.
ya'll make me happy to be alive, and it astounds me that my little projects are appreciated.
thank you beyond words.)
<3
Ugh, how did you just embody stress in the most beautiful way?
ReplyDeleteAnd I love your blog. It's everything it should be.
everything can be beautiful in it's own way, I think. for this was the year I didn't sleep, but some great things happened at the same time too. and everything has a purpose, even stress and things that teach us lessons, I suppose!
DeleteThank you bunches for the kind words, Becca :)
I have never had problems with sleep like this... wait actually when I was going through personality changes I did. It sucked. You framed it in the words of this post very well.
ReplyDeleteIm glad your blogging. Your blog is a good one! I like it.
THANK YOU SO MUCH VANESSA
DeleteI'M FLOORED.
Changes and struggles are a fact of life. But learning to rise above it and focus on the good is key, I think :)
You are thinking right!!
Deletei know. i know and my heart beats and i think i'm finally awake because i know. i've known more of the night now than i ever knew before. but God is good. and the stars are always glowing here. xx
ReplyDeleteI know, A. I know too.
Deletewe may know more of the night now, but think about tomorrow and how much of the day there is to know.
and besides, stars need company every now and then too :)
<3
I had three months of this. It was the longest three months of my life. I had felt the loneliest I had ever felt and I didn't understand myself at all. It's all apart of getting to know yourself I think. It is sort of scary, I think we hide from ourselves more often than we think. But we can always count on change. (that's why change is a good thing) But getting to know myself was one of the best things I've ever done. It's like that bible verse says: Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Even if the morning is several mornings away, it's on it's way
ReplyDeleteyep. this Han. this.
Deletegosh, you're so right.
i'm glad we're here now :)
WOAH, like I've never had many problems with sleep but WOAH.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm so happy you're blogging again because I only just recently found your blog and I really love it.
Whoa! to be honest, I hope you never do, either, but that's life right?
Deleteand also thank you so much for saying that, Hannah. i'm so gad to be back <3
I love how you write; so simply, yet so meaningfully.
ReplyDeleteI've come to find that sometimes simple is okay, and i'm learning that not everything has to be big and perfect. thank you so much :)
DeleteI love the pictures, and the words go so well. It's pretty, in a sad way kind of. But what you said at the very end of the piece, about Jesus, that made it.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU (Jesus always makes it, right? Like honestly, I would still be swimming thru this if not for Him. My own strength is not enough)
Deletebut darkness can sometimes feel like safety
ReplyDeletelike protection.
until, that is-
one steps fully into the light. Wow. That part was my favourite.
And, I echo everything Maggie said above. She must've read my mind. xx
isn't it funny how sometimes we thinking hiding and staying here keeps us safe, when really we need to stand up and step out. only then can we be free (thru Him)!
DeleteThank you, Jess :)
This is so beautifully raw and honest. I have struggled with this occasionally, but I feel like more often than not, I've slept as an escape from things instead. But things are good now and Jesus is always good.
ReplyDeletethings are always good, I think, because He is always good. I just have difficulty seeing past myself sometimes...
Deletethank you Grace :)
Sweet dear, as someone for whom sleep has been an elusive force for over fourteen years now (I have severe painsomnia brought on by some of my chronic illnesses), this post resonated with me to the core. It's staggering what a lack of sleep and proper rest does to you body, your mind and even your soul. Though, I would argue, it gets a bit easier - like so many troubles - to contend with as time goes on, it never stops being a strange, strange thing indeed (the inability to get a good night's rest, that is).
ReplyDeleteWith all my heart, I'm deeply sorry that you've experienced serious sleep problems, too, and hope that this year will continue to be kinder to you that front.
Gentle hugs & sincere wishes for a lifetime of healthy sleep,
♥ Jessica
you are, without a doubt, one of the strongest people I have ever known about. and I say that in all seriousness, Jessica.
Deletemany of my problems are temporary, and when I have moved past them, I can write and lament, but in your case I have no idea.
please continue to stay strong, and with all my heart I wish you the best.
many blessings and prayers for you <3
Absolutely love the new blog. I'm not much of a sleeper. If I'm asleep before midnight I consider that an early night for me. I wish I was a morning person, but I'm not. My brain really gets going about 5:00 in the afternoon and I've many nights found my best writing to happen after 10:00. I'm glad you're dealing and yes, God is good.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU SO MUCH LANA!!
Deleteeveryone is different, and people and their differences make me so happy. Thanks for being here:)
"the back of my skull felt heavy, close and distant (all at the same time)."
ReplyDeletee x a c t l y. i felt this. I reiterate some of the comments above when I say it's amazing how you don't even realize how much you need sleep, and how much good it does a body until its stripped away. the effects can be quite honestly maddening, in my experience. everything is different and hazed when your head is light and restless.
you articulated this b e a u t i f u l l y like you always do. your comments on my blog and your posts always inspire me so much, and sometimes sting my vision with that saltwater stuff. I absolutely love your new space here. ♥
also that photo at the top...howwww are your photography skills real???? HOW
ReplyDelete