7.22.2017

on disappearing


I am nothing. I am fading.  faded.
I am the pieces of dust on the dashboard, the list of unopened messages.
I am not the withering plant, but not the blooming one.
I am the guitar picks lost in your room. useful, but replaced and not needed.
I am not worthless, I know that much.
but just nothing.
and I have my own adventures.
and my own ideas and worlds and plans.
but do they exist?

and it is okay to be nothing, I think,
it is better to feel hurt quietly than to cause it for someone else.

silence buzzes in my ears.
tomorrow feels rather empty.

(written right before disappearing.
it is home now
the quiet fog.)

learning to feast on God's word.
to let it fill me.
and flourish.
I made excuses, even recently.  but in reality, in the day to day, I am just never enough.
and that is ok.







18 comments:

  1. Wow, I feel these words. That's me too. But it's about learning to run to Him, and find security there. I appreciate your openness, Randy, and I hope you feel surrounded by His love during this time. xx

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    Replies
    1. on one hand I am glad, but on the other hand I am sad
      (that you feel these words, that this is also you).
      but what a blessing to know that we're not alone. not with each other, and of course, never EVER without the LORD

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  2. How can I always relate to everything you write so deeply?

    ps. i happen to think that you're a heck of a lot more than nothing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. p.s.
      OHHHHH MY GOOODNESSSSS I LOVE YOUUUUUU

      Delete
  3. this post is so so dear to my heart, because i feel everything, but yet we have a big God who loves us with a big love. learning to feast on God's word <3 Learning to run to him and learn from Him. love this post, randy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. we do. we really do have a great big God. let's not forget to feast okay?
      thank you for reminding me of this today.

      Delete
  4. Is that your song? Either way, it was beautiful :)

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    Replies
    1. it is a song by Tom Rosenthal I believe. idk I just remember it.
      and thank you so much :))))))

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  5. OK BUT CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW YOUR WORDS LITERALLY CRUSH MY SOUL??? LIKE...I CAN'T I'M SPEECHLESS I'M DONE.

    "I am not the withering plant, but not the blooming one.
    I am the guitar picks lost in your room. useful, but replaced and not needed."
    <<< what just happened to my heart. OUCH.

    p.s. that song is freaking beautiful holy dang

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ok but whaaaaa

      dude. thank you so much.
      you have no idea how much I admire you and I am so grateful for this and you ok.

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  6. YOU KILL MEEEEEE, GIRL <3 The photos, these words and everything about you just crazy, wicked awesome, beautiful <3<3<3

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    Replies
    1. I cannot handle this. what did I do to deserve this kindness oh my goshhhhh
      you're wonderful.

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  7. hey babe. i love you. and i am home, and i have an aching to send you the other half of my letter. lolz. keep seeking Him, kid. i find bravery in the courage He has placed in you.
    loves. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. H E Y
      I'm gonna reply to that letter soon okay? okay
      I even got some stamps so I am r e a d y
      soon. okay. soon. I'm so grateful for you

      Delete
  8. I LOVE THIS. I especially love the end when it says, "I made excuses, even recently.  but in reality, in the day to day, I am just never enough.
    and that is ok."
    God is so good in the way He pursues us, and that can be enough for us. In the midst of confusion around us, I am thankful He is our peace

    I just followed your blog, and I hope you will check out mine if you have a chance <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will TOTALLY CHECK YOURS OUT are you kidding me. thank you so so so very much you have no idea how much this means okay

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  9. Powerful. You move me with only words. You are an amazing soul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOU are amazing. only you can let yourself be moved. thank you :)))

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