I cursed and I cried, but now I know

I remember you, we ate so many grapefruits during winter break.  It was sunny.

I remember standing outside my favorite chinese place after dark and taking a picture of the neon open sign 

(it’s on my vsco now, out there, but hidden from where too many eyes can see it)

I remember you

before it all frayed apart at the edges like the jeans i cut into shorts last summer.

I remember you and how it was new but also familiar in the most unexpectedly warm ways.  I remember that FEELING.

did i fray it? with my thoughts?  or do we happen to have the same sense of humor, the both of us, careening to the dark.

the both of us, headed down a dirt pathway in the cold moonlight towards a house lit up and glowing with warmth. but somehow the path splits off and i wandered away from the glow and down into to trees to a house that is cold and empty in the darkest way. 

and the thing is, you didn’t notice (but neither did i)  at least, not until it was too late.

this is where i live now.  I’m not bitter, i’m not scared anymore. but i have to keep reminding myself to go out and use that little bit of moonlight (when present) to try and find the way back to warmth or even just the path back to the road, before i lost myself.

I am grateful, you know.

But sometimes when you text me to see how i am or what i’m up to (even though you’re busier now) you say all the right things and usually have the right words.

but darling how can feel the right thing when the timing itself is just. wrong. i’ve counted and counted over and over again and the number is one but the feeling is zero.